Control Trauma and loss

Hi, i was plotting to do something really bad only to met a stone wall in my plan. In my past i wanted to help a guy get over his fetish which was doing horrible things to animals since me and him weren't really great people to begin with. I had my own issues but i was trying to be better and i wanted him in my life to be a part of it a chance to be better then whatever the hell was wrong with us. But later that day when i was trying to convince him he brought in one of his animal rapist friends and he begins to scream at me, calling me a manipluator and that i was only hurting him for not letting him express his sexual urges onto animals. I don't know why but I crumbled before him because I didn't want to fight his friend in front of him or whatever, maybe I did love him or maybe it was out of care but either way, i lost that person to his friend and from what I can tell they have moved on since still screwing animals and convincing others there is nothing wrong with it while I just coped in the worst way by just playing games for years to the point where I developed an obsession of revenge to wanting to commit a felony (cyber crime and murder). i waited years until they forgot about me so there wouldn't be a connection between me and them, i bought a laptop online and a USB with kali linux on it and i was trying to override windows with kali linux but i just ended up deleting the OS and making the laptop unusable. I did live boot it a couple times so there was success in that when it came to installing tools to do hacking it was a no go, because i was just a guest user i didn't create an actual user and it was just null and void. Judge all you want i suppose and go ahead and call me a **** moron and such but i haven't processed my emotions, and i don't know how i don't even know how to process my trauma and i am afraid to admit all my negative emotions to anyone because im afraid of the consequences of being an open book, it has gotten me in trouble before with unneeded wellness checks which resulted even more unneeded issues that i already have. I will acknowledge that being online did mentally damage me in ways that a normal person can't even empathize. I've been struggling with BPD, ADHD, depression and anxiety, I can't function even properly. I am at a decent job i am predisposed to always helping my family and im onroute to going back to school but for the life of me.. I cannot let go of what happened so many years ago, it still feels like yesterday when i tried to save that stupid ****...I even slept with him to try, i figured if someone just loved him or cared then he would and could change but i was forcing something that wasn't natural for the sake of him and not me.. And in the end i made a life long quest waiting and planning to off his friend only to be met with a logistical end. If there is a god they have a sense of **** humor.

---

anonymous Sins August 12, 2023 at 9:37 pm 1 0